As a widower congenitally incapable of cooking (even muesli is too advanced), it's no wonder that my first foray into making my own "fat balls" ended in a fairish smattering of good old fashioned Anglo-Saxon oaths and curses.
It wasn't the making of them that caused me such heartbreak and anguish (gently heat a block of lard, when melted and clear pour into four empty yoghurt pots, add seeds, nuts and raisins and put in fridge to cool) but what to do next.
The first pot I tried to turn out, the next morning, was all soft and broke into several squishy pieces. My hands got covered in unpleasant greasy lard and the yoghurt pot was pulverised beyond recognition.
So, I put the other three pots in the freezer, surmising that this would harden them sufficiently to allow me to extract the contents without them collapsing, my hands getting covered in unpleasant greasy lard and the yoghurt pots being pulverised beyond recognition.
I should have known it would all go wrong!
I couldn't get the contents out without cutting the pots part way down and then tearing them off. This, of course (and you're ahead of me here, aren't you!) caused the contents to collapse, my hands to get covered in unpleasant greasy lard and the yoghurt pots being pulverised beyond recognition.
There has to be an easier way, so just what can an aspiring Gordon Ramsey (failed, failed, failed and failed again) do? I've matched him in profanities in this venture but not in culinary skills!
And the first person to say "season to taste and bake in a moderate oven until done" will hear from my solicitors. That's precisely what every single recipe in the world says at the end, even the saintly Delia's advice on how to boil an egg, and I just don't understand what it means, apart from the fact that I will ruin whatever I try!
Help!
Hello iBozz.Sorry to hear about what happened to the fatballs. The only thing I can think of trying is to put the balls in pots which are a bit bigger than them. This should make them easier to remove.Paul.
Warning! This post contains atrocious spelling, and terrible grammar. Approach with extreme edginess.
Hi iBozz, the problem with lard is it doesn't set as hard as beef dripping. However, it does make it easier for the birds to eat as beef dripping sets to practically bullet-proof consistency!
I use lard but put mine into small margarine tubs as that way the whole thing can be placed outside without the need to handle it. I don't fill to the brim as I like to keep that clean so the smaller birds can use the rim to stand on without getting greasy feet. Alternatively, you can use plant pot saucers - if you know the things I mean. They are usually orange plastic i.e. pretend terracotta. Garden centres sell them in a variety of sizes, as do places like Wilkinsons.
The necessity of bird-watching is a really good reason for avoiding all forms of housework.
The dust will still be there tomorrow - the birds may not be!
Hi iBozz
Sorry to hear about your predicament but I did find your tale an amusing one!
Like Squirrel says, Lard is much softer and the less you handle it the better as the warmth of your hands can make it start to melt. I'm not sure what went wrong with yours but although mine are'nt rock hard they do set to a good hard consistency. May be you put too little in each pot to the ratio of seeds and nuts. You could try adding some sort of thickener like powdered nuts to the blend (just put some in the blender and blent until quite fine) and add this to the mix - mushed up biscuits also works too, but not too buttery ones. Sometimes I use pots and other times I put a whole guey lump on clingfilm wrap it up, pat it and roll it into a sausage shape, pop it in the fridge to set overnight and then put the whole thing into a fat ball holder (like your old feeder you had).
Good luck!
Regards
Kerry
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kezmo6310/
I always line whatever containers I'm using with cling film. Once set you can lift the contents out with the cling film which can then easily be peeled off. Another thing that I do is as the lard is just setting put in loops of string so that you have something to hang them from - works a treat.
iBozz ... Fabulous story telling. I love your sense of humour! Sounds like you need a cook!!!
I have to ask a dumb question now. Why are you trying to empty out the contents from the yoghurt pots?
Before you fill them with your mixture, punch a hole in the bottom of the pot, thread string through the hole and tie it so you can hang the pot from a branch. Fill the pot with the mixture, let is set in the fridge, then hang it up on a branch. No need to touch the nasty fatty stuff at all.
Cheers, Linda.
See my photos on Flickr
Well, several questions to answer, so here goes ...
"The only thing I can think of trying is to put the balls in pots which are a bit bigger than them. This should make them easier to remove ..."
Well, I use the yoghurt pots as a mould into which the gunge is poured before the contents collapse, my hands get covered in unpleasant greasy lard and the yoghurt pots become pulverised beyond recognition.
"... beef dripping sets to practically bullet-proof consistency!"
So that's what happened to the last joint of beef I attempted to roast!
"I use lard but put mine into small margarine tubs as that way the whole thing can be placed outside without the need to handle it."
I put the resulting mess in a wire "fat ball" holder i still have elsewhere in the garden.
" Sometimes I use pots and other times I put a whole guey lump on clingfilm wrap it up ..."
Now there's a thought.
"I always line whatever containers I'm using with cling film."
That's why we British are so good at inventing things. It's simple, sensible, obvious - and totally overlooked by me!
"Sounds like you need a cook!!!"
Yes I do. Is that an offer? When can you start? I've tried, really I have - I even went on a basic cooking course: Week 1, we did quiche; Week 2, risotto; Week 3, bread. Basic? Even Gordon Ramsey would struggle with those.
"I have to ask a dumb question now. Why are you trying to empty out the contents from the yoghurt pots?"
Don't worry about asking dumb questions, I ask them all the time! But it isn't dumb. It's so that I can put the resulting mess, right after it collapses, my hands get covered in unpleasant greasy lard and the yoghurt pots are pulverised beyond recognition, into a wire fat ball holder outside the kitchen. I'm all for unconventional Christmas decorations, but I confess that I had never thought of hanging upturned yoghurt pots from the trees outside. Maybe I could patent the idea and make my fortune?
Thanks for the various pieces of advice, one and all, I shall try the cling film method and report back when it inevitably fails.
Right, I'm off to make some toast. Do I season to taste and bake in amoderate oven 'til done? Or perhaps I'll eat the bread raw instead.
Brilliant iBozz! Gave me a right good chuckle. I can see you will fit in well here what with me, Brenda H, Sparrow, Kezmo, Lucybob, and MarJus (and probably a few more I have forgotten to mention) - all of whom have wicked senses of humour and frequently employ them, most likely to the disgust of others!
Oh I second that!!! That really did make me stiffle a laugh (I'm at work...) ;-) Look forward to more from you iBozz!!
"All weeds are flowers, once you get to know them" (Eeyore)
My photos on Flickr
Hi from mar
I put my fat cakes in half coconut shells and them hang them up. I also make up some fat recipes in an old pan and just scrape it out on to logs which I have scattered about the garden and crevices in trees. I keep hoping to find a woodpecker but no luck yet. Good luck with your next venture.
LOL iBozz!
I'm almost hoping it will fail so that you can come back and tell us all about your efforts! Sorry! but your story is priceless! Keep up the good work!