Odds & Sods 2023

To paint Canada goose, first catch a big brute.

1.Walk up to individual, they’re always brave. Chase bird and make grab for bird.

2. Missed, bird flew off. Apply Germolene and plasters to cuts obtained when falling into brambles.

3. This time, creep up on another individual using cover, rush at last moment, manage to grab leg as it tries to fly off.

4. Get wife to drive you to hospital to check for concussion. Didn’t realise how strong Canada geese wings are.

5. Three days recovery from mild concussion. repeat step 4 but this time leap onto back of bird, pinning its wings with both arms.

6. Get wife to drive you to hospital for concussion, sew up gashes to head and reattach left ear ripped off by goose's Tomia. Doctor says eye injury will get better with time. Who knew that Canada geese have long, powerful necks that can turn round fully?

7. One week recovery. You look stupid with head bandaged up. Repeat step 5, but this time pin wings and head.

8. Nearby flock of Canada geese come to rescue of caught bird.

9. After 30 minutes of sustained attack by 20 birds (should have let go of caught bird sooner), manage to crawl back to car to phone wife. Spend a week in hospital then further four months recovery from severe internal bleeding, broken left arm, broken right leg, five broken ribs, bruised liver, ruptured spleen, fractured cheek, multiple cuts, bruises and abrasions.

10. Six months later, purchase tranquiliser gun. Creep up on birds. Tranquilise one. Frighten off other birds. Take trophy bird home and paint with fluorescent acrylics. Post photos of results on to social media.

11. Go on run, heading for safe refuge like Ukrainian front line or Mexico narcotics gang land. Lead nomadic life in hiding as RSPCA, British police, Interpol, RSPB, wifey and others in hot pursuit, so can cross frontiers. Avoid any bird larger than a Wren.