LAUGH? I NEARLY DID
The world can be a pretty tough place to live in at the moment, even for us humans. Wars, political unrest and the decimation of the natural world dominate our news feeds and so many aspects of our everyday lives, it can all too easily get us down. These things are all important and it's right that we're aware of them, but sometimes we just need to lighten the mood with a little fun and frivolity – and as you should know by now, nobody loves a good frivol more than me.
With that in mind, this week's blog is given over to just one thing; raising a smile. So here are some of my favourite bird-themed jokes. Be warned, most of them are terrible and the rest are even worse...
What kind of birds stick really tight together?Vel-crows.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and then cross the road again?He was a dirty double-crosser.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?Because there was already a zebra crossing.
Have you heard about the new satnav for birdwatchers?It gives tern-by-tern directions.
Why don't owls go on dates in the rain?Because it's too-wet to-woo.
Why did the chicken sit on the axe?To hatchet.
Why wasn't the empty lake apologetic?It had no egrets.
What did the woodpecker say to the metal pylon?“You're impeccable.”
Why was the tawny owl grumpy?He had irritable owl syndrome.
What do you call a man with a gull on his head?Cliff.
What do you call a man with a gull and a gold crown on his head?Cliff Rich 'ed.
What do you get if you accidentally run over a finch with a lawnmower?Shredded tweet.
How do baby birds get bigger muscles?They eggcercise.
What did the turkey say to its naughty child?“If your granny could see you now, she'd be turning in her gravy.”
What do you get if you cross a long-legged bird with a big black corvid?I don't know, but you'd be stork raven mad to try!
How does a bird with a damaged wing land safely?It opens its sparrowchute.
What did the owl find in the oyster?Pearls of wisdom.
How does a chicken send a birthday card?In a henvelope.
What do spiders and waterfowl have in common?Webbed feet.
What did the Sparrowhawk say when the Goshawk kissed it?“Well this is hawkward.”
Do birds know where they're going when they migrate?Some do, but others just wing it.
Why did the blackbird go to the library?To eat the bookworms.
Why is it difficult to tell the difference between many young birds and their dads?Like feather, like son.
Which birds go to church the most?Birds of pray.
Where does the bird royal family live?Duckingham Palace.
I hope there was a chuckle or two, or at least a well-intentioned groan among that lot. If not, things will be back to normal next time with our Halloween special. I could go on all day with these but I'll leave you with my favourite ever bird-joke. I found it in a Christmas cracker, that's the level it's at, but I hope you like it.
What is Britain's most common owl?A Tea T-Owl.
I'll go and wash the pots....
See my weekly RSPB Old Moor blog at "View From the Shed". I usually wear a big hat.