Weekly Chat (Non-Osprey), 27 August 2017

AQ- thank you. I have been helped by you all, more than I can say. I've been trying to visualise the garden without the fruit trees, keep going to the windows and thinking.

Done some more rushing about, and the dreaded ironing, plus picked the last of the plums which I could reach. Had to be careful as there are a few wasps about now that some of the fruit is going rotten, but this year there seem to be very few wasps about. The butterflies have been more in evidence for the last couple of weeks, but there are definitely less of those than usual.

Very sad to see the people of Texas struggling to cope with all that water, the Government doesn't seem to have been up to speed at all on the problem. Not a good week for Trump.....

We had a surprise last week, as sis-in-law announced that she had seen a retirement flat for sale, and had put her three bedroomed bungalow on the market. We were very shocked, as she had said nothing about plans to move, but it now seems that she would like to release some of her capital rather than have money worries, and also had intended to downsize.  When I said that I hadn't expected this until she was nearer to 80 (she's early 70s) she pointed out that actually, it would be easier to cope with it now, rather than when she may be frailer. She still has a cough, and various aches and pains, and although she has a downstairs bedroom, in a bungalow with two small attic rooms, the whole house is really too big for one person.

It reminded me that my widowed mother had gathered up the energy to move to a bungalow when she was mid 70s, saying the same thing:"I might not have the energy to cope with this, later."  Gave me pause for thought, myself.

Since sis-in-laws surprise announcement, the flat she wanted has gone to someone else, but she has found another one which is actually rather nicer, and in a better location, so it looks as if she may go ahead with her plans.

LINDY- Yes, if your sis in law's income is not enough to  fully support her staying in her home, then a wise decision to move to a smaller place while she is physically able to do so. And she will have some capital in the bank. Peace of mind for her.

The nights are fairly drawing in. Dark outside in Inverness :-(

Lindy, I think your sister-in-law has made a sensible decision.  She has obviously thought it through for some time, realised her present home is too large (and probably expensive to maintain) and has decided - while she is both physically and mentally fit and able - to move and release capital.  I can understand her not wanting to tell you until she was sure of her decision - having lived alone for many years, I find the more people I ask for an opinion on anything, the more differing responses I get - and the more confused I get!  So yes, I applaud the way she has handled the decision.  I'm sure the last thing she wanted was to cause you any upset, but I think it shows real strength of character on her part.  I wish her well in her move, and the next phase of her life.

Yes, it's been brave of her to go ahead with things, although I think that she had discussed it in part with her two (grown up) sons. She may have held off telling us until she was sure, but we readily gave her our views, both for and against, and my OH (who is her brother) offered to take her on viewings of properties. Since then we've been in contact and given her our full support in whatever she does.

She has been taking care of various dogs during their owners holidays etc., but has found this to be rather tying and it also stops her from going away much, herself. At first she said it was a nice compensation for not owning a dog herself, but having some company around the house. She is a busy person, though, and has two sets of two delightful granddaughters who she helps to taxi around and to babysit now and then.

Thank you, Pat, for your good wishes for her. She is quite a strong character, and has made sudden decisions in the past, but we and her close family all love her dearly, and she values our opinion.

Heather:

I care about you, so I'm going to respond to your recent request for advice in two posts. Here's the first one. Apologies in advance, because I'm a Midwesterner. We fresh-water people tend to be practical and fiercely forthright, so I hope I don't cross any lines.

Post 1 for Heather

In the last few years I've been a caregiver for three loved ones, who all died in my arms. After every loss in my life (even my divorce), I've suffered from depression. My depression always comes with a big ol' load of guilt. I should've done this...I shouldn't have done that...I should do this...I shouldn't do that...I'm a failure. I must have a huge guilt gene firing away in my DNA.

Now, I'm not saying that you are suffering from depression. You're grieving, and that's an absolutely normal reaction to losing a partner, and the best strategy is to work through it, which you're doing admirably. You're a wise and gifted nurse, and you don't need any amateur diagnoses from me. But based on my experience, I'm offering one reminder: Be very aware of the tendency to feel guilt and inadequacy during grief and don't let those feelings drive your decision-making. If you need it, get yourself an antidepressant that could help with guilt, rumination, and anxiety.

Gardening was your OH's passion. You can cherish fond memories of him in the garden, but you have no obligation to carry on that tradition. If he were able to talk to you now, he'd tell you to make a happy life for yourself. I'm sure that's his hope for you.

You can find less demanding ways to feel close to him. You could even gather some of the leaves or flowers of his favorite plants and have them preserved. That way, you save a bit of his garden to treasure, while still removing the trees, shrubs, and flowers that are too difficult for you to maintain. 

You don't need to honor his memory by keeping his garden. He knows you love him.

Post 2 for Heather

You're a very intelligent person, Heather, and I know from comments you've made that you realize the garden may also be churning up deeper issues. It's making you face your emotional and physical limitations. That could be a frightening prospect for you, because you've always been a strong person who's met every challenge and your entire family's needs. Now you may be facing fears about your own ability to remain independent in the future. I'm facing these fears, too, as I question whether I can remain out here in the woods alone and maintain this house and the land.

I haven't posted a lot, but I've watched your comments very carefully in the last 6 months. You're very hard on yourself, and you don't deserve it. You're a kind-spirited and loving person, Heather. Let yourself focus on your needs right now. Give yourself time to make peace with the big issues. Go out into the garden and tell your OH that you love him dearly, but you're letting go of the garden until spring.

Let the falling leaves lie and do what leaves do: decay and nourish the soil. Just turn it all over to nature for a while. Winter will come. The plants will die back, and the garden will be much cleaner and easier to cope with in the spring.

Take a lesson from nature, Heather. Just rest through the winter. Seek out things that give you pleasure. In the spring, you'll be stronger and your mind will be clearer. You can make a fresh start then on all the challenges you face.

One other thought, Heather. You might find it easier to remove some of the flowers, shrubs, and trees if they're going somewhere else to be appreciated and cherished.

Is there a library, school, park, gardening organization, or other institution or group that would take your garden plants and make use of them? That way, you could even visit them, and you'd feel less guilty about removing them. 

I would think that someone could make use of the fruit trees, especially. 

Also, is there some no-maintenance but lovely ground cover that is native to Scotland that you could plant after removing some of the demanding flowers and trees? That option might be more satisfying to look at than concrete, tiles, or stone. Good ground cover plants would choke out weeds and everything else. So a ground cover wouldn't require much maintenance once it settles in, but it would still be colourful, natural, and lovely to look at. I'm not a gardener, so I can't suggest one.